Advice
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall  instead of using it. Gordon R. Dickson.

Blame
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -   blaming my parents.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll  find someone.  

Breeding
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.-- Mark Twain

Broke
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. -- H. L. Mencken 

California
I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

Career
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem, women's rights activist, editor (1934- )
 

Clown
A clown is like an aspirin, only he works twice as fast.  Groucho Marx

Complain
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

Compliment
I can live for two months on a good compliment.  Mark Twain.

Conversation
The real art of conversation is not only to
say the right thing in the right place,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong
thing at the tempting moment.

Decisiveness
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.  -- Mark Twain

Democracy
The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid.  Art Spander 

Diet
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hope than the first four hours of a diet.  Dan Bennett

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst,
for they are sticking to their diets.

Disciplining
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.  Robert Orben

Duct Tape
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together....Carl Zwanzig 

Errands
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.  -- Red Skelton

Example
If  you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. --Catherine Aird ( Knight also takes credit for that quote)

Explaining
Never explain -- your friends do not need it and you enemies  won't believe you anyway.  Elbert Hubbard

Exploiting
Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite.-- John Kenneth Galbraith 

Facts
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. -- Albert Einstein 

Failure
Failure is usually the line of least persistence. --Wilfred Beaver

Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.  --Charles F. Kettering

Flaws
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. 

Freedom
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 

Friendship
A true friend will see you through when others see that you  are through. --Laurence J. Peter

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You, too? Thought I was the only one. -Clive Staples Lewis, novelist and essayist (1898-1963)

Funny
Everything is funny as long as it's happening to someone else. --Will Rogers

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.
--Woody Allen 

Future
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.  -- Paul Valery 

My interest in the future...because I'm going to spend the rest of my life there.  Charles Kettering

Genius
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Good/Bad
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.-- Oscar Wilde 

Good Example
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.  -- Mark Twain 

Good Thing
Too much of a good thing is wonderful!   Mae West

Grandparents
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.  Sam Levenson

Growing up
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Happiness
To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.  -- Gustave Flaubert 

Health
To me good health is more than just exercise and diet. It's really a point of view and a mental attitude you have about  yourself.  --Angela Lansbury

Help
God help those who do not help themselves.-Wilson Mizener

Hesitation
He who hesitates is a damned fool. Mae West (1892-1980) 

Honesty
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard

How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself.  
It is much easier to be honest with other people.  
--Edward Benson  

 

Immortality
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Susan Ertz

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. -James Thurber, writer and
cartoonist (1894-1961)

Income Tax
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."  -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

Jury Duty
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby 

Knowing
Everything you know is wrong.     Inside Macintosh, 1984

Labor
Today's greatest labor-saving device is tomorrow.  Tom Wilson

Laboratory
A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library. -- Westheimer's Discovery 

Language
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily Tomlin 

Laughter
You don't stop laughing because you grow old;
you grow old because you stop laughing

Law
All general statements are false.  -- The Ultimate Law 

Life
Is there life before death?  -- Graffito, in Belfast

Lightning
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time. -- Willie Tyler

Listening
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.  --Kin Hubbard

Little Things
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  Robert Brault

Luck
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?  -- Jean Cocteau 

Making it
By the time we've made it, we've had it.  -- Malcolm Forbes 

Medittion
My son has taken up meditation - at least it's better than sitting doing nothing. -Max Kauffmann

Murphy's Law:

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
•  
  • If anything can go wrong, it will.
  • If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
    Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.
  • If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Murphy's law: Computers

• Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
• If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
• Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Murphy's Law
According to Murphy's Law, this column will have a mistake in it.  
According to Parkinson's Law, it will take you as long to read this column as the time you allot to reading it. Rob Kyff, This Column Obeys All Laws, The Hartford Courant, Nov 11, 1998.

The furthest parking place is the closest one

Murphy's law - Love

• All the good ones are taken.
• If the person isn't taken, there's a reason. (corr. to 1)
• Nothing improves with age.
•  

Murphy's law - Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Murphy's law - Teachers:

• A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
• The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.
• Good students move away.
• Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
• The problem child will be a school board member's son.
• New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
• The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
• Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
• A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.

Maturity
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president and anyone who doesn't can grow can be vice president.   Johnny Carson

Money
Money often costs too much. Ralph Waldo Emerson

News
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.  Jerry Seinfeld

A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not.
-- Henry Fielding (1707 - 1754)

Optimist
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
-- James B. Cabell 

It doesn't hurt to be optimistic. You can always cry 
later.  --Lucimar Santos de Lima

Political Support
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950) 

Politics
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.-- Ronald Reagan

Puritanism
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
-- H. L. Mencken 

Questions - taken from teen to teen.org

• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
• If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
• Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
• Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?
• Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
• Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Reading
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. -- Woody Allen 

Responsibility
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

Road less traveled
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.  Jerry Seinfield

Seen it all
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Sign
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
 

Sizes
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet
for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

Sleep
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.  Leo J. Burke

Smile
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.  W.C. Fields

Specification
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.- Mark Ardis 

(Trivia - Remington was making little money with guns, so they tried a typewriter & just happened to have a carriage that accommodated 8 !/2 X 11 paper - what a difference that made!  Also, keys are arranged no for speed of typing, but so that they wouldn't stick together.  )

Stressed
Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "
DESSERTS" spelled backwards?

Success
Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. -- Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

Success is the ultimate revenge! L Walkup

Sushi
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.
-- Jose Simon

Talk
A gossip talks about others.  A bore talks abut himself.  A brilliant Conversationalist talks about you.  Anon

Teaching
He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950).

Television
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.  -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Thieves
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop (~550 BC)

Theories
"Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier." -- Blore's Razor

Thieves
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. Aesop

The big thieves hang the little ones. -Czech proverb

Thinking
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is  doing the thinking.  Lyndon Baines Johnson
.

Voices
Joan of Arc heard voices too. 

War
War is not nice.-- Barbara Bush

The quickest way to end a war is to lose it.  George Orwell 
 

Wealth
Man discovers his own wealth when God comes to ask gifts of him.  -Rabindranath Tagore (1861-1941)

Weight
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of
candy can make you gain five pounds

White Horse

That white horse you see in the park could be a zebra 
synchronized with the railings.--Ann Jellicoe (from The Knack)

Work
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
-- Robert Benchley 

Worry
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.   Charles Schultz.

Yesterday
Just when I was getting used to yesterday,
along came today.

Quotations for kids by kids

(Most are from mailbits.   Please submit your own kids' quotes.)

Words of wisdom from children...

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
-Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8 (Mailbits)

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