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GRAMMAR
JOKES
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Important Commas: See the difference a comma makes in these two sentences:
A woman, without her man, is nothing.
A woman! without her, man is nothing!
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Double negatives Double negatives |
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he
said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such
as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language
wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
| Notice the effect of the following Dear John love letter with different punctuation: |  |
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have
no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy --will you
let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is . All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I
have no feelings whatsoever, When we're apart, I can be forever
happy. Will you let me be? yours,
Gloria
(Note: above was sent to me via chain email. I do not know the original source)
********************************
English Language
This is so true..........READ ON
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
More on our Crazy English Language
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can
make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise
guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of
the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about
your son & his grammar quizzes..
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
********************************************************The English Language
Lets face it: English is a terrible language.
There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither
pine, nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England. French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth.
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house
can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the
lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts but when I wind up this story it ends?
And more.........................Some food for "Thought"
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are wise men and wise guys opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?
***********************
Some helpful rules for better writing:
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
7. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
8. Be more or less specific.
9. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
10. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
11. No sentence fragments.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary;
it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Don't use no double negatives.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be ignored.
19. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
20. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
21. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said,
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
22. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:
Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it
correctly.
28. Misuse of terminology - a thing cannot be & not be at the same
time:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
We have, your honor. We find the man who robbed that bank not
guilty.
Now that your know the rules, try the following proofreading exercise
Proofreading Exercise
Ode to a Spell Checker
======================
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
--Author Unknown
PARALLEL STRUCTURE -
(I use this joke email to teach parallel structure)
MONEY
It can buy a House
But not a Home
It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock
But not Time
It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position
But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine
But not Health
It can buy you Blood
But not Life
it can buy you Sex
But not Love
So you see money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you all this because I am your
Friend,
and as your Friend I want to take away
your pain and suffering...
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than me you will never find.
CASH ONLY PLEASE >>
Notice the similarities between the email & I Iibsen's quote
parallel: Money may be the husk of many things, but not the kernel. It brings you food, but not appetite; medicine, but not health; acquaintance, but not friends; servants, but not loyalty; days of joy, but not peace or happiness. Henrik Ibsen
WHY ENGLISH IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
A+ phrases to use in reports
The following list of phrases and
their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science
and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD
dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original
reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically
meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it
published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The
other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get
around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so,
too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes
were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of Mountain Dew.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A
COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't
understand it
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't
understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO
CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms.
Adams explained to me what it
meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally
useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
(From MailBits)
Grammar Trivia from Mailbits
Almost anywhere you look, possibly on your block, people are
violating the rules of English grammar. They're doing it not
only when they speak and write, but also, brazenly, on
painted signs in front of their homes.
I'm referring to those common signs telling you which family
lives in a particular house, such as "The Brown's" or "The
Smith's." The correct way to do it would be "The Browns" or
"The Smiths." Adding the apostrophe makes it possessive and
emphasizes that they own the house.
Forwarded anagram emailFrom: RZabek@commnet.edu (Zabek, Robert)
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No letters can be used twice
or left out.
The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out there either has *way*
too much time on their hands and/or must be deadly at Scrabble):
Word/Phrase Anagram
--------------------- -------------------
Dormitory Dirty Room
Evangelist Evil's Agent
Desperation A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity Is No Amity
Mother-in-law Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness Genuine Class
Semolina Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two Twelve plus one
Contradiction Accord not in it
This one is *truly* amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to
suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
ANAGRAM:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet,
queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for a contemporary one:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
(Neil Armstrong, on the moon)
ANAGRAM:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On
to Mars!"
And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment trial; you're
not going to believe this:
"President Clinton, of the USA"
ANAGRAM:
"To copulate, he finds interns"
=================================================
Spelling Trivia
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Olny srmat poelpe can.
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Vocab Builder
asyndeton (uh-SIN-di-ton, -tuhn) noun
The omission of conjunctions, as in "I came, I saw, I conquered."
[From Late Latin, from Greek, from neuter of asyndetos, not linked, from a-
+ syndetos, bound together, from syndein, to bind together, from syn- + dein
to bind.]
OXFORD,
England-- Homer Simpson with an English accent?
Don't laugh -- the beer-guzzling cartoon dad has hit the literary big-
time. His favorite phrase has made it into the erudite Oxford
English Dictionary.
The OED's online edition defines Homer's trademark "doh!":
"expressing frustration at the realization that things have turned out
badly or not as planned or that one has just said or done
something foolish. Also implying that another person has said or
done something foolish."
It's one of 1,250 new or revised entries published yesterday on the
OED Web site, and they'll all be added to the next edition of the
print dictionary.
Anagrams
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare
time or is deadly at Scrabble.
George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He
Bugs Gore
Dormitory:
Dirty Room
Evangelist:
Evil's Agent
Desperation:
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
Cash Lost in Em
Animosity:
Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:
Alas No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes:
That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
Twelve plus one
Ode of Serious Literary Value
Ode to a Spell Checker
======================
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Caws Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
--Author Unknown
Computer Poem for those over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
The English Language
Lets face it: English is a terrible language.
There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger and neither
pine,nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in
England. French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted. But if we examine its paradoxes we find
that Quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone
beeth.
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house
can burn up as it burns down and in which you fill in a form by filling it out.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which of course isn't a race at all).
That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the
lights are out they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it
starts but when I wind up this story it ends?
And more.........................Some food for "Thought"
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are wise men and wise guys opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars
in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?
palindrome (PAL-in-droam) noun
A word (such as "level"), a compound (such as "race
car"), a sentence
(see below), or a longer statement that communicates the same
message
when the letters of which it is composed are read in reverse order.
[From Greek palindromos (running again, recurring), from palin (again) +
dromos (running)]
Palindromes make you exult Ah ha! Oh, ho! Hey, yeh!, Yo boy!, Yay!, Wow!,
Tut-Tut!, Har-har!Rah-rah!, Heh-heh!, and Hoorah! Har! Ooh! and Ahem! It's
time. Ha!
The most famous palindrome is MADAM, IM ADAM (Adam's introduction of
himself, in English, of course how convenient to Eve, the mother of all
palindromes), but my personal favorite is the wiggy, loopy, lunatic GO
HANG A SALAMI. IM A LASAGNA HOG. And let's tip our collective hat to the
astonishingly long yet coherent DOC, NOTE, I DISSENT. A FAST NEVER PREVENTS
A FATNESS. I DIET ON COD.
* War is raw.
* Boss is spelled b-o-s-s because your boss is a backward double s.o.b.
* When you are stressed, you may reach for desserts.
-Subject: Reading Trivia
Spelling doesn't matter - This is serious, not a jok.
Kinda' interesting....
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the
wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig, huh?