FYEBonomi

Focus:

The art of being fully human

being all you can be and having faith in yourself to do so

Introduction:

Joanne began by introducing herself and then said, “Now let me experience you. What is it that got you to be who you are today?”

Next, Joanne asked, “What prevents people from being all they can be, from trying something new, from becoming successes?

Answers offered were:

Fear of failure
Lack of confidence
Rejection
Fear of ridicule
Fear of the unknown
Fear of change and getting out of the comfort zone
Fear of what others will think

Joanne replied, “Good point! Don’t worry about what people will think. One of America’s favorite pastimes is gossiping and saying bad things about people. If you are afraid of what people think and being made a fool of, then maybe you are not too far removed from being a fool.

Lecture Highlights:

She thanks students for participating. “This is about you, life in general your willingness to participate is life. Take full responsibility for it."

You can’t get back unless you give, but you need to know how much to give.

Life Doesn't Work - PowerPoint Slide Number 4

Life is not perfect.

We can't predict everything.

Life is about surprises.

Life is about being the best you can be, about living to your potentials.

Sometimes we think we have the answers. We think we know what works, and it doesn't.

We think if we only got X, life would be good.

However, you should be the one to decide what's right or wrong based on what's right for you.

But let’s face it, we’ve all grown . It doesn’t matter how we grow, but just that we grow.

We must be self-realized to know lessons and opportunities.

We must strive to improve ourselves daily to be our best.

Where you are at right now is the most perfect you - at this point in your life.

If anything isn't perfect, focus on these items and recognize what doesn't work.

Why is it that "Life Doesn't Work"

Life doesn’t work because we have allowed people to have power over us.

Expectations are placed on you.

A child gets close to a burner & the parent says, “No, get away.

When you're young, you always hear,

You can't do that.

Don't do that.

You're not supposed to.

You Shouldn't

Don’t internalize these messages

Your space becomes limited and narrowed.

This is your paradigm of reality

This is the box you learn to live in.

Sometimes we live in a box. That's our paradigm of reality.

In the box we live in we can only go so far - up to here - or there.

How do you get out of the box?

You must start living your own life.

You must accept responsibility for the choices you make.

If you were assigned a 20-page paper today, what would you think?

Do you think enough about yourself to communicate that?

We must change our paradigm of reality.

How did the box get created?
By people saying, "You can go here, but no further. You can’t go there."

Others empower and control you and say , "You can’t."

People who place expectations on us make decisions for us. We may assume we're not capable of making decisions, so control is placed on us by others.

You're the one that decides right or wrong based on what's right or wrong for you.

Where they got this idea is beyond me.
Did you say anything that might give them this idea?????.

You in all your magnificence have a special purpose. You are unity. You have something no one else has. You must get out of the box.

The only way out is by practicing tools for effective communication to exercise your right to be fully human, to have faith to do what you want and YOU are the one preventing yourself from being and doing, if you are at the effect of other people.

No on can gain control of you unless you allow others. It comes to feeling secure within ourselves to make decisions.

Are you willing to lose who you are for the sake of control from another – so the other will “love” you? And stay your friend.

Where is your self-image, you self-integrity, your self-dignity, and your self-respect?

As kids get older, they need to start making decisions for themselves. They need the space and time to experience things, as experience is your best teacher.

If you ask another’s advice, “What do you think I should do?” Whose fault is it if you take the advice and fail?

Remember, though, no one has the right to control you. No one should say, “This is what you SHOULD do.

When things aren’t right, address the issue, or you are incomplete. Incompletion is a great source of unhappiness. To deny yourself the opportunity to experience life, that’s incompleteness.

Relationships:

Don’t be afraid of losing a relationship or love

You’re entitled to love

Communication:

How do you address/confront individuals?

With effective tools for communication.

Some may think, “If I only get X for Christmas, I would be thrilled.” How long does this last. Then you want something else. Life isn’t about getting happy. What life is about is being the best you can be.

I’ll constantly be challenged. This world is ever-changeing.

Face-to-Face Communication:

In this technological world, the computer is made for communication. There is little face-to-face communication. What does this say for our social skills? People are not shaking hands . they are losing interpersonal skills. Society challenges our ability to speak to one another on a one-on one basis.

On the internet, communication is so different. I can’t say, “ No way! Are you out of your mind!!!!” This is subject to misinterpretation with facial expressions and intonation missing. The personality is missing.

Life isn’t black and white. We have emotions that prevent us from getting to common sense.

Fear of being alone and not finding another holds many people back.

What prevents us from accepting responsibility, from speaking up for ourselves from improving our self-image, self-respect, self-dignity, and self-acceptance?

Let's count the excuses:

It is fear

Fear of

failure,

rejection

inadequacy

disappointment

FEARS

Fears can be motivating and demotivating.

They may be so strong you may not want to step out. Fears may work against you. Or they may propel you to get out of your situation.

RELATIONSHIPS (Slide 6)

The following is the story of relationships

I o I

Them

They

It always starts with an I

Two I's ( individuals ) meet each other.

Two is based on their relationship .

They become we.

The bond is there

It’s not I’m doing, but “We’ll meet you there.

And we becomes us.

And you develop a circle of friends.

It continues to grow.

What happens when a member is no longer there (may pass away or just go)

What happens to

they

them

we?

What happens to they/them because the “us” is not longer there.

So this is where it begins again, with you with I.

When you get involved, you want to give a part of yourself because that’s the celebration. You want to share

Two Kinds of Relationships (Slide 7)

(1) Superficial Intimacy

(2) Real intimacy

In superficial intimacy, we place conditions on our relationships.

The other person means to control you so much as to prevent you from celebrating your life.

If you do this, I’ll love you.

I want to get something in return.

What will you give me.?
You place a condition on relationships, and you’ve given so much that the conditional part is gone. You’re back at the beginning alone.

You’ll be there unless you have a guarantee he’ll die at the same moment as you.

Don’t tolerate conditional relationships.

If you tolerate it for only a second, you give a piece up.

You give up so much you’ll have nothing left.

You don’t deserve that

You deserve real intimacy

And all begins with you

People in your relationships are mirrors of you. They know what they can get away with,. They think they know you.

People give others so much power over their lives that they stop living. The more control you give up, the more you lose. Don't lose the I .

Superficial relationships

How many of you have experienced them?

How to they feel?

When we're involved in a superficial relationship, we can't see outside of it.

We're in the depths

We don't know what's going on.

That feeling should be a wake-up call.

You feel so bad about a relationship that you feel bad about yourself.

Some relations are so demanding.

The place so many expectations .

We lose who we are to be the someone else someone wants us to be.

I'm passionate about this because people suffer from the inability to know who they are and what they can be.

If a relation is superficial, we're scared what people will think about us.

Don't worry about that. People are always thinking. In America, especially, after baseball and gambling, one of the favorite pastimes is thinking bad things. Proof is in sales of tabloids.

Fear of what others will think about us prevents us from being who we want to be.

It prevents us from celebrating ourselves.

How should we live?

You must give the other safe space.

In relationships don't let expectations prevent you from being who you are.

If anyone tells you "You can't" the only obstacles you face , are those you place on yourself.

Walk on the stepping stones.

Experiences are opportunities - opportunities to grow, to become more.

Take it for all it has to offer.

Unique

No one is like like us.

Your experiences are unique to you.

What you can develop as a result of your unique experiences is unique to you.

Did it happen by chance?

Or was it the perfect moment of time when all was in alignment? (astrological)

Are some things meant to happen? (fate)

We all have opportunities of conscience.

There are unique circumstances and patterns, and you have unique patterns.

Holidays are coming up.

Yes, it does put a smile on our faces.

It is a special time.

We think what we can do for someone else based on what we received.

We have that much power to contribute to another's well being.

Unconditional Relationships (Slide 9)

Can you imagine the following: "Do whatever you want and I'll support you? That's a relationship.

Make sure real doesn't become unconditional.

Celebrate it because it is rare.

The more you celebrate the stronger it becomes.

Facing Skeletons ( Slide 10)

We talked about the fears, about what others will think.

It is the person that stands strong in

self-image

self-integrity

self-dignity

self-respect

that can say, "I made a mistake."

An example of this is someone tripping on a sidewalk. I didn't trip. It's the sidewalk's fault. I will go back and look for an indentation.

The minute you confront your fears, - skeletons disappears

In a suspicious relationship, I asked a friend, "Have you confronted him?"

The minute you confront a problem, it begins to disappear.
You've taken the first step.

To ignore it is to let is move on and continue on its path.

The longer you ignore it, the more you prevent yourself from achieving your goals and being you.

Growth won't happen until you confront insecurity.

Barriers

Why are people hesitant to confront their weaknesses?

What are your weaknesses?

Answers students provided were

acceptance,

insecurity,

fear

ourselves

procrastination

given in too easily

feelings

stubbornness

ignorance

other people

your self-esteem

why must you conform to gain acceptance

No one has the right to to expect anything of you.

You look at the expectations and see what works for you

Drawing a tree

"I want you to draw a tree." commands the grade school teacher..

Johnnie has experienced the tree.

He is strutting his stuff.

Johnnie receives an F

He is crushed.

He experiences disappointment.

He didn't draw the tree

Hew didn't draw the teacher's tree.

There are rules we have to abide by and Johnnie didn't abide by the rules

In the realm of the course objectives, you must accept responsibility.

You must learn the game.

You must know the game.

You must decide if you want to play the game. X amount of work equals X for a grade.

Are you holding on to your problems?

Is there some level of security in holding on to problems.

Let go of the problem or you won't go beyond it.

Let is go.

Confront it.

Move on.

Remember the acronym FIDO
(Forget It, Drive On)
Remember to forgive first. Don't be bitter

By the way, don't worry, another problem is waiting for you.

Fool

Oh, or are you worried about looking like a fool if you try to do something about it?

Well if you're worried about trying something that must be constructive - and are halted by the thought that you might look like a fool -- well FOOL isn't down very far from where you're at .

It prevents you from being you.

Tools for Effective Communication (Slide 13)

How do you communicate to prevent control?

How do we confront issues?

How do we make it happen

DESQ is the answer

Describe pinpoint when & what

Express how you felt about it

Specify what you want (respect)

Question that is not answerable by yes or no. It must be open ended.

Don't use DESQ if you're past 24 hours. People have short-term memory. After that the person forgot about it. he will say, "I don't remember. Did that happen?"

Use fogging.

Catch the other off guard.

Open it up with, "I have a problem that I think you can help me with."

The other side sees your vulnerability. It thinks, "I want to help, I can help. I can do it." They are all ears

You're already empowered. You give the other an opportunity to contribute.

You give them the opportunity they've been taking for so long.

You say, "When you said bla bla bla I felt you had no faith in me. I want more support, respect, and consideration from you. When do you think you can make that happen.?"

If the treatment was so outrageous that you don't want to continue the relationship, don't even ask the question.

Finish by specifying what you want and that is it. After all, this is your game, your communication. I'm done with you. It's closed.

Incompletions are responsible for your suffering.

In closing,

Don't give up because you hear don't can't - because there is someone waiting for the next contribution you have to make.

Be prepared to accept responsibility for what you do.

Now I ask you to write 5 goals for YOU (within the next 3 years)

Think about yourself.

What is preventing you from achieving these goals?

As soon as you confront what is standing in your way, you'll reach your goal

You now have safe space to think about no one but you, yourself

You have been given a gift.