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Walkup's Way Home

 

     Creative Humor
A laugh a day keeps depression away. Lucy Freeman



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Incorporating Humor in Presentations

Rule # 1:  Never include trivia, anecdotes or humor unless it is directly related to 
the presentation.      

* Including these usually lightens & brightens a presentation.  Certainly a warm joke will cause a chuckle,  thus breaking   the ice and putting your audience at ease.  It will create a lovely rapport with the audience and make your   audience more attentive.  

* Public speaking courses  charge you a fortune & tell you to include "Sparklers" in your  presentation.   at are sparklers?      Nothing but anecdotes, jokes, trivia, humor...

* Humor always contributes to a presentation IF it makes a point.  It also makes your presentation memorable |   Your audience will remember your joke and repeat it to a friend. (People may not remember your speech!)

* What if your audience HATES your joke?
It doesn't matter because technically, you used the joke to make a point that is directly tied to your talk.    The humor was used solely as a tool to assist you in making a point.     Whether or not the audience loved   your joke is  not important compared to whether it  understood your point.   

As a speaker, your job is to get a point across.
As a comedian, your job is to get a joke across.

Don't cross  & confuse  these two roles.  This is why each joke you tell MUST be directly related to your speech    & make a point.

 You are not being paid as a comedian.   You are a speaker trying to get a point across.

If you tell a joke just for the heck of it, and the audience doesn't like it, then YOU ARE THE JOKE.  You blew it,   and it will be almost impossible to regain your face.  

 If the sole purpose of your joke was to get a laugh & you failed to elicit laughter, then YOU FAILED!!!!

 

Rule Number 2: Don't make up your own jokes
 Use jokes that you read somewhere.  Play it safe and don't use your own jokes.

Why?

Because if someone doesn't care for the joke, that person is indicating he doesn't care for the editor of   Reader's Digest or whatever publication you got the joke from.    The disapproval is one step removed from   you as the speaker.  You are just relaying something you read.  The criticism will not be aimed at you if it flops,   but at a well-paid editor - who should know better.

You need not be a comedian to include humor in your presentations.  All you need is access to  (links to)   resources.   Billy Graham said, "A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable."   keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected, and outlast the unbearable."  

Below are anecdotes & links to anecdotes that will contribute to your presentations.

 

Rule # 3 :   Recall the 11th commandment - thou shalt not bore thy audience to sleep.

 

P.S. Remember: Laughter affects us mentally and physically. Blood pressure momentarily drops, tension is released, and inhibitions are lessened.  When your audience laughs, it suspends  judgment and loses many of its defenses. Their minds become open to possibilities.

Good Luck
Louise Walkup

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 color2[1].gif (815 bytes) Links to Jokes, Comics, Editorial Cartoons...

 

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Jokes with a Point - in alphabetical order
Begun December 14, 1999

I've selected the following jokes because they make a point.   I incorporate many of these in my class lectures.  Most come from bits and pieces of email  I receive.  Feel free to email me your jokes, so that I can include them on this page.   Thanks

"A" Grade
I got an "A" in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.  -- Judy Tenuta from MailBits

 

A+ phrases to use in reports

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine.
 These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"
... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.

"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"...
 A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked 
over a glass of Mountain Dew.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE 
UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't
understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO 
CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it
meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my
 committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.(From MailBits)

ADDICTION

There's a new support group for people who are addicted to 
the internet. 

It meets on AOL each night from 6:00 p.m until 12 midnight. 

 

American Jokes

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance!

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink! (and what's with the braille at the drive through ATM's?)

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions!

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke!

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters!

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage!

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place!

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "blood-sucking creatures."

11 Bloopers from Church Bulletins  - a Great Way to discuss clarity


1. This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptized in both
ends.

2. Tuesday at 4 pm there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk come early.

3. Thursday at 5 pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please
meet with the pastor in his study.

4. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come
forward and lay an egg at the altar.

5. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday
afternoon.

6. A bean super will be held on Saturday evening in the church
basement. Music will follow.

7. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.

8. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.

9. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.

10. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

11. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
(From MailBits)

Being Good

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about
being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 

Bigamy

Bigamy is  having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."  Oscar Wilde

Brain -
(Trivia for an introduction on memory)


Although it's only 2% of our body weight, the brain uses 20%
of all oxygen we breathe, 20% of the calories we take in, and
15% of the body's blood supply.
(Source: READER DIGEST BOOK OF FACTS)

Brain
 In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.  Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
 
 "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi- risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
 
 The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,  "Well, how much does a brain cost?" 

 The doctor responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled and said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
 
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH

AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

Car Safety Joke   for report on driving safety

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in
it.-- Dudley Moore

 

Car Joke for report on drinking & driving

Two men get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are
totaled, but amazingly, neither man is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, one man says to the other
"There's nothing left of our cars, but at least we weren't
injured. This must be a sign from god that we were meant to
meet, be friends, and live together in peace the rest of our
lives."

The other man replies, "I totally agree with you. This must be
a sign from God."

"And look at this," continues the first man, "It's another
miracle. My car was completely destroyed but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to
celebrate our good fortune!"

He hands the bottle to the other man, who promptly takes a few
big gulps and hands the bottle back. The man takes the bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on.

The other man asks, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"

"No, I think I'll wait for the police to join us," the man
said. (  from MailBits.com )

 

Car joke for updates on technology

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and
explode once a year killing everyone inside.
--Robert Cringely

 

Another Car Joke


What Your Car Says About You...
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when
I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and
change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit.
Infiniti Q45- I am a doctor with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Jaguar- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the
shop 280 days per year.
Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Plymouth Neon- I enjoy doing the Macarena.
Porsche 944- I am dating a model who would otherwise wouldn't
look at me.
Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volvo 740 Wagon- I am afraid of my wife.

Cheating Joke

 

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after
class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor
said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. 
Wordsworth. I thought you were long dead."

Church /religious Jokes


Gotta Eat Goat 

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.

While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked
their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the
old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

************************

 

Funny how a $50   bill looks so big when it is taken to church, but so small when it is taken to the local mall.

Funny how we believe what newscasters say, but find it so hard to believe what the Bible says.

Funny how an hour in church seems so long, while an hour at home disappears.

Funny how we love extra innings at a baseball game, but hate an extra long sermon.  Certainly, we don't want anything "extra"  from church.

--------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Sermon: I think this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon... "Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!)  leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

JAMES (4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

 

 

 

Church /religious Jokes
Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I
will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.

**************************************************

Church /religious Jokes
A father was at the beach with his children when the
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to
the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back
down?"



 Church /religious Jokes

A wife invited some people to dinner. 

At the table, she turned to their six year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?" 

 Church /religious Jokes
Dear Lord,

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my
temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I
will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.

_________________________________________

I received the following joke via email. I don't know the source:

Subject:  Even God Enjoys A Good Laugh

   
 There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
  1. He talked with his hands.
  2. He had wine with His meals.
  3. He used olive oil.

 
  But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
  1. He was one at peace with nature.
  2. He ate a lot of fish.
  3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

  But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
  1. He never got married
  2. He was always telling stories.
  3. He loved green pastures.

  But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
  1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
  2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
  3 And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

  AMEN!

 

 ======================================================================

 

Children in Church

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers  passed 
the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the 
youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy,
I'm  under five." 

?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
cousin  asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"  "Sixteen," the boy
responded. 
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.  "How do you know 
that?"  "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up,
like  the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer." 

?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly  announced
to  his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"  "Well," said the 
little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday  anyway, and I figure it
will  be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." 

 ?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º 
 
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: 
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash 
against us." 
 
?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know 
what to say?" he asked.  "Why, God tells me", the farther replied.  "Oh, 
then why do you keep crossing things out?" 
 
?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. 
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give
him  the money now, will he let us go?" 

?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed 
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three 
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he
wanted  us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!" 

?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible  stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.  "The 
flight to Egypt," said Kyle.  "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph,
and  Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"  "Oh, that's
Pontius - the Pilot. 
 
?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say 
prayers before eating?"  "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have
to.  My Mom is a good cook." 

?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand
on  a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would
then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge 
through. The play was well received. One day the actor playing the part 
became ill, and another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When  the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the
rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No
amount  of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony 
jumped up and yelled:  "Hallelujah! Hell is full!" 
 
?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist 
Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy 
told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway 
through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, 
Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his
sermon  all over again!' It worked." 

?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º?ø?º°`°º?ø,¸¸,ø?º°`°º? 
 
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a
bedtime  story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach
up  to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek,
then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"  "Yes, 
sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."  "Oh," she
paused,  "Grandpa, did God make me too?"  "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made
you just a little while ago."  Feeling their respective faces again, she 
observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't He?" 



Classified ads that actually appeared in various newspapers

..... 1..Car sale: First come first severed.
2.One of a kind Corollas, two to choose.
3.For sale - Pontiac Lemons
4.Only today - car demenstruation
5.Our cars are rated number 1 for the first consecutive year
6.Antique house for sale, house like these don't last long
7. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... Only used in the snow
8. GEORGIA PEACHES: CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
9. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
10. TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
 WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS> STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
11. OPEN HOUSE  BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

Computer Joke

An application was for employment,
A program was a TV show,
A cursor used profanity,
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age,
A CD was a bank account,
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.

Compress was something you did to garbage,
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire,
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife,
Paste you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home,
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
But when it happens, they wish they were dead!


Conservation
I just got junk mail from this organization that wants me to
save the forest. I sent them back a letter saying stop sending
me the junk mail and save the forest yourself.
-- Linda Herskovic

Cubicle - joke on working in a cubicle

Subject: Drawbacks to office life in a cubicle

Letterman's Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

     10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box
         all day long.
     9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around
        to  see who's behind you.
     8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of
        gunfire.
     7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get
        a piece of cheese!
     6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
     5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
     4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
     3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
     2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
     .. And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle:
     1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

EXAM WEEK Anecdote

Short Version: Remember:  Failure to prepare is preparing to fail (Murdock).


Longer Version (from mailbits)
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However,
they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any
studying done.

When they went to the test, they decided to tell the
professor that their car had broken down the night before due
to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another
day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until
they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told
to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged
and went to two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going
to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued...
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
From MailBits.com

 

Feminist Jokes

Q: Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?
A: Because it only attacks the brain.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Q: A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"
A: The woman says : "I will surely miss you"

Florida (Key West)  

You know you're in Key West when
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, nose ring,
and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember... is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a
sperm donor.
7. You and your co-workers have Cuban bread and Bucci for
breakfast.
8. You have never owned a car.
9. You know the difference between real and fake Key Lime Pie.
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. The Crime report is a source of daily entertainment(It was
until they stopped printing the names. Now it's as pointless
as the rest of the newspaper).
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.
13. A man walks down the street in full leather regalia and
crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the lady downtown at 0830 wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like Madonna IS
Madonna.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the
woman who delivers your mail is into S & M and your Mary Kay
rep is a guy in drag.
17. You know where Jimmy Buffet lives.
18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every
news station about "HURRICANE WATCH 2001."
19. The local bar owner is also mayor.
20. If it's 60 degrees, you break out the fur coat and space
heaters.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for
work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related
accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is pot illegal????
23. Both you AND your cat have therapists.
24. Your power goes off before you finish reading thi..............



God Jokes


I'm sure you're busy, but you might enjoy a diversion from your working by reading the brief letters below.
Louise

Notes kids wrote to God....

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

Dear God,
Thank You for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton,
because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for You, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.
Mickey

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It worked with my brother.
Alex

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Received via email

 

 

You know you've in Key West when

Honesty & Funny Faces

A Kindergarten student was sitting at his desk making funny
faces at anyone that would watch.

The teacher came by and saw what he was doing and said calmly,
"Billy you had better stop doing that, your face might stick
that way."

Billy stared back just as calmly and said in reply, "I guess
you learned the hard way."  (MailBits)

***************************************************

Inappropriate Conclusion Anecdote


An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw
many people.

One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man
if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to
wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but
the old man wasn't interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man
picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture of my
Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife's best pitcher for
it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled
his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for
trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some
boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the
"picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she
went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes,
picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'
around with!"  from MailBits

*********************************************

 

Heaven - C.S. Lewis style -  Minister & Drinking Joke


Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal, and said to the
first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and
approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan," said the priest, as he walked
up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"No, I don't Father," O'Toole replied.

The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to
tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."

*********************************************
Hope & humor


Finding Hope Through Humor

President Ronald Reagan's popularity in the polls rose and fell
like a roller-coaster. Shortly after an attempt was made to
assassinate him, his ratings soared to nearly 90 percent, the
highest on record. But one year later, when the US economy was
still mired in recession, his approval ratings had plummeted to a
low of 30 percent.

Every other week Dick Wirthlin, the president's pollster,
reported the ratings to the president and he now had the unhappy
task of telling Reagan the disturbing news.

"How are they? What do the figures look like?" Reagan asked.

"They're pretty bad, Mr. President."

"How bad are they?"

"Well, they're as low as they can get."

"So, what do you mean?"

"Well, they're about 32 percent."

"Anything lower than that in the second year of the presidency?"
Reagan asked.
"I think that's the lowest," Wirthlin replied.

Just then Reagan's face brightened and he smiled, "Dick, Dick,
don't worry. I'll just go out there and try to get shot again!"

The president had a knack of effectively bringing humor into his
problems which, of course, made them easier to handle. Humor has
a way of helping us to find hope. And hope has a way of helping
us to solve problems!

From the book, RICHES OF THE HEART by Steve Goodier

**********************************

Dictionary for Moms

 AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
 make love again.

 DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

 FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
 apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

 FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the
 strained carrots.

 FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

 GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even
 though they're sure you're not raising them right.

 HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

 IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

 INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do
 everything we say.

 OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

 PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry
 shoes into it.

 SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

 STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and
 to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

 TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

 TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
 make those familiar grunting noises.

 VERBAL: Able to whine in words

 WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
************************************************

Inner Peace

A sure-fire Recipe for....

INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to all of you -------
It is definitely working for me. I think I have found inner peace.

I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I
had started.


Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine
and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

Pass this along to those who need Inner Peace.

Ha Ha Ha Ha He He He He - Life is soooooooo much better when one is LAUGHING!

 

Job

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that. It's called
EVERYBODY, and  they meet at the bar." * Drew Carey


Great lines from job evaluations: from mailbits

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.

2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but 
more definitely a won't be.

3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change 
whichever foot was previously there.

5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails 
to achieve them.

8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an 
idiot.

9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the 
better.

10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't 
watching.

12. A room temperature IQ.

13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold 
it together.

14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary 
ignoramus.

15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

17. Bright as Alaska in December.

18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

20. Fell out of the family tree.

21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't 
coming.

22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for 
it.

23. He's so dense, light bends around him.

24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice 
a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get 
change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only 
gargled.

31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock 
bottom and has started to dig.

34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid 
curiosity.

The word means:

H=How are you?

E= Everything all right?

L= Like to hear from you

L= Love to see you soon!

O=Obviously, I miss you...so, HELLO!

It has made me smile every time I say hello since then so send this message

Irishman at a bar story

An Irishman
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in
the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it
can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character.
He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the waiting room. There, he saw his son, O'Malley said, "Well, son. We
Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. 

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I thought you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of
them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Love & a Box Full of  Kisses  - to make a point about love and generosity
(I  Received this via email)     long, bus so cute

 The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3- year-old  daughter
for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became
infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the
Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her
father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy."

He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared
again when he found the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you
know
when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something
inside  it?"
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,
"Oh,
Daddy, it's not empty, I blew kisses into the box. All for you,
Daddy."

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and
whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and
remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans, have been given a gold
container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children,
friends, family or God. There is no more precious possession anyone
could hold.
You now have two choices, you can:
1) Pass this on to your friends; or
2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice number 1
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our
wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
anonymous

 

Marriage Joke

Marriage is not a man's idea. A woman must have thought of 
it. Years ago some guy said, "Let me get this straight, 
honey. I can't sleep with anyone else for the rest of my 
life, and if things don't work out, you get to keep half my 
stuff? What a great idea."
-- Bobby Slayton

MARRIAGE

Benefits of Marriage: must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... 
I never believed in Hell until I met you." 

Minister joke

A young minister was just starting out at his first pastoral
job. He was still very shy and unconfident, having recently
graduated Theology Classes in the lower percentile of his
class.

His first appointment was to visit one of his members that
supposedly was very ill and needed cheering up. This was his
first visit to any of his congregation, and he nervously rang
the door bell, and heard her call out "come in". He stepped
inside the door, removed his hat, and walked toward the part
of the house from which he heard the voice.

Seeing the elderly woman relaxing on the sofa, and noticing
the thread bare material and sparse furnishings in the house,
he quickly, silently, asked the Lord for help.

On the beat up old coffee table in front of the couch, sat a
small clear dish about half full of peanuts. As he sat there
talking to the lady, he nervously started eating the nuts, and
as he rose to leave, he realized he had eaten every one.

Knowing she probably didn't have any more, he was embarrassed
and apologized, and told her he would quickly return with a
whole large can.

"Naw, that's alright, she replied, in her toothless voice.
"I couldn't chew them anyhow, and I'd done sucked all the
chocolate off them, and I sure hated to see them go to waste."
From mailbits.com

 

Being MISUNDERSTOOD joke

As they left the auditorium after a two-hour lecture on 
nineteenth-century English poets, the wife exclaimed, "Didn't 
it make your mind soar?"

"Yes," her husband agreed grimly, "and my backside, too!"

 

NAMES  - forgetting them

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they 
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities 
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. 

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 
"Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long 
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but 
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is?" 

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared 
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" 

Noah's Ark

According to a recent poll, 55 % of high school freshmen though Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.
Noah's Ark - The woodpeckers should have stayed out!


Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark ...

   *   One:    Don't miss the boat.

   *   Two:    Remember that we are all in the same boat.

   *   Three:  Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

   *   Four:   Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you
     to do something really big.

   *   Five:   Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that
     needs to be done.

   *   Six:    Build your future on high ground.

   *   Seven:  For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

   *   Eight:  Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

   *   Nine:   When you're stressed, float a while.

   *   Ten:    Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs;the Titanic by
professionals.

   *   Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God,there's always a rainbow waiting.

   *   NOW, wasn't that nice
 

Optimist Versus Pessimist

An optimist looks at the donut. A pessimist sees the hole

 

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,"

and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket

and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,

"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,

"I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato

and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,

"That will be $12.62."  Once again the man pulls exact change

out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the

exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the

attic and I found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it a Genie

appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,

I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of

money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.  "Most people would wish

for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich

as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,

the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs

who agrees with everything I say."

 

 OXYMORONS:   top 35


35. State worker 
34. Legally drunk 
33. Exact estimate 
32. Act naturally 
31. Found missing 
30. Resident alien 
29. Genuine imitation 
28. Airline food 
27. Good grief 
26. Government organization 
25. Sanitary landfill 
24. Alone together 
23. Small crowd 
22. Business ethics 
21. Soft rock 
20. Amtrak schedule 
19. Military intelligence 
18. Sweet sorrow 
17. Compassionate conservative 
16. "Now, then ..." 
15. Passive aggression 
14. Clearly misunderstood 
13. Peace force 
12. Extinct life 
11. Plastic glasses 
10. Terribly pleased 
9. Computer security 
8. Political science 
7. Tight slacks 
6. Definite maybe 
5. Pretty ugly 
4. Rap music 
3. Working vacation 
2. Religious tolerance 

And the No. 1 oxymoron 
1. Microsoft Works 

 


 phone line joke
 A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad
news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear
first?"

The man says "The bad news."

The doctor says "The lab messed up your tests and when they
re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!"

The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"

The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of
you but your phone was busy!"  (From MailBits)

**********************************************

Prayer

 

God, grant me the senility
To forget the people
 I never liked anyway,
 The good fortune
 To run into the ones I do,
 And the eyesight to tell the difference.

--------------------------------------------------------
 

11 RULES FOR LIVING 

1. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: 
 "I apologize, you are right."

2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

3.. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm.

4.. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was,
"Go! You might meet somebody!".

5. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

6. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one
year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

7. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!

8. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of
a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was
right about you.

9. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

10. Work is good, but it's not that important.

11. And finally... Be really nice to your friends and family. You
never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

******************************************

STRESS

I received the following joke via email



Stress evaluator:  Identical Dolphins...

The  picture below  was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's
Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are
identical.            

A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of
the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the
two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it
means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress.

So, if you see too many differences between the two dolphins, you are
advised to pack your bag, go home immediately and take a rest.

(scroll down a few inches)

Sunday School Jokes
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, 
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
_________________

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. 
A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
__________________

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a 
commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
 little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
__________________

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created 
out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, 
Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
___________________


Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, 
and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

*******************************************

A JOKE ON TIME   - how things change

A clerk at a Philadelphia airline counter picked up the telephone
and heard the caller ask, "How long does it take to go from
Philadelphia to Phoenix?"

She was busy with another customer just then and intended to put
the caller on hold. "Just a minute," she replied.

As she was about the press the "Hold" button, the clerk heard the
caller say, "Thank you," and hang up!

 

 

 a joke on THREE WISE WOMEN   - a take-off on Three Wise men

Three Wise Women would have
Asked directions
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Cleaned the stable
Made a casserole
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace on Earth.

 

 

 

 

 

-  A joke on Work Rules

Rules For Work:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every
10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even
better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function
as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good
training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of
my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me
which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life
beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets
out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name
to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am
plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions
will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life and send you straight to manager's
hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any
and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially
like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus
check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my
goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating
with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money
anyway.

WRITING - joke   

"There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million 
monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually 
come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to 
the Internet, we now know this isn't true." -Ian Hart

Writing Joke

These special phrases are also
applicable to anyone working on a Ph.D. dissertation or
academic paper anywhere!

"It has long been known" --  I didn't look up the
original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" -- These data are
practically meaningless.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study"
-- The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" -- This is the prettiest graph.

"These results will be in a subsequent report" --
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience" -- once

"In case after case" -- twice

"In a series of cases" -- thrice

"It is believed that" -- I think.

"It is generally believed that" -- A couple of others
think so, too.

"According to statistical analysis" -- Rumor has it.

"A statistically oriented projection of the significance
of these findings" -- my best guess.

"It is clear that additional work will be required before
a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs"
-- I have no clue what this means.

"After additional study by my colleagues" --They don't
understand it either.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further
investigation in this  field" -- I quit

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**

 

My Jokes

The following is  a joke that was popular when I was in school - back in the 50's.  
What I find amazing is that such a simple joke crosses generational lines.  Here goes:

What is worse than giving a teacher an apple with a worm in it?

applewht.gif (7256 bytes)apple5.gif (3864 bytes)

Giving a teacher an apple with only half a worm in it.

 

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 - Writing A Paper

John:  My   teacher gave us  one week to write a one-page essay
 & I'm not sure what to write about.

  Ann:    Did your teacher discuss brainstorming, listing topics on papers, 
browsing through the internet for ideas?

John:  Yes, but  those won't work for me.

Ann:  Why not?

John:   I don't have time to do those, because it's due in a few hours.  I only have time 
to start and write.  Anyway,  I have a secret technique that always works.

Ann:  What is it?